Religion Trauma to Spirituality
Have you ever considered that life might offer more than just church? I respect all religions, but my experience includes fear tactics, manipulation, and a type of language used to recruit people into certain groups. I used to belong to a strict religious organization that made me feel judged, violated, and manipulated, leading to pain and division among my friends and family.
At 17, I was searching for spiritual hope. I was raised Catholic, explored Buddhism, and later converted to Christianity. I first attended a Christian church in Antioch, CA, when I was 16 but left after a traumatic incident involving a pastor. I then switched to a new church recommended by friends at age 17. This church is still active today, likely making many changes as the kids grew up.
When I attended that church, I was deeply involved. I listened to the Bible, pastors, and youth leaders who influenced my identity. We weren’t allowed to hold hands, date, or kiss anyone. I had a boyfriend, but living together was strictly prohibited. Being part of the LGBTQ+ community was also forbidden, and they weren't seen as "God's children." Despite my doubts, I continued to follow their teachings.
One day, one of the pastors' daughters started dating, and soon the other pastors' and youth leaders' kids followed. Suddenly, the rules changed. We could hold hands, date, and even kiss. I was surprised but didn’t think much of it until an old friend expressed how wrong it felt to him. He left and never returned. At first, I got mad at him and defended the church. However, I began to notice more changes, and the connection I once felt started to fade. It felt off and dark. The people I knew were gone, replaced by new faces in the church.
Things were getting strange. So, I decided to go on a spiritual journey to reconnect with myself and God. During my healing process, I learned that it wasn’t the church, a book, or a statue that brought me closer to God; it was my own spirit and relationship with Him that helped me understand what is true and good. I started helping a church member heal, and she was very happy, even sharing her joy with the church about the improvements in her life. Then, Jenny introduced her to reiki. I was afraid to mention it because I knew the church might ridicule me. But the person I helped was eager to try it.
I was really happy for them. But a few hours later, I got a message that brought back feelings of rejection and reminded me why I left the Christian church. I was shocked and cried, thinking, “This person was so happy and healing... how could they take that away from her?” In that moment, I realized the true value of my faith with God compared to what the organization provided. Once I learned to forgive and move on, I started meeting others who had also left the organization and experienced the same pain.
After that experience, I realized I would never go back to that organization. I learned that if you lose yourself and forget to love yourself, relying on a church for peace, it’s time to heal from your past. Trust yourself and the universe. Change only for you, not for others.
